A Stricken Life: The Temperance Movement

My name was Clara Smith. I lived in Kiowa, Kansas in the year of 1899 during the Temperance Movement. I was sixteen years old when I met my husband, August Dunraven. He was twenty-one. Soon after we met, we got married. I got pregnant. Seven months into my pregnancy, I died.

I breathe hard as I step out into the cool, night air. August is away again, at one of the bars in town. Tonight, I finally have the courage to leave him. Slowly, I make my way down the empty road, my hand resting on my stomach as if protecting the child within it.

            Sweat glistens on my face as I finally reach the end of town. My legs cry out in pain and I yearn to sit down. I see my mother’s house, dark and quiet. I reach the edge of the yard, but stop as I hear a loud crash coming from down the street. Curiosity overcomes me. Slowly, I turn.

            I had heard the rumors of the Temperance Movement. A woman named Carrie Nation was said to raid bars with a hatchet, an action she used to oppose alcohol. Of course, I had only heard the rumors, never actually seen it.

            I looked down the street as Carrie Nation stepped into the bar, a hatchet at her side. I heard the crashing and shattering of glass. I heard the men inside the bar, yelling at the woman. A few ran out, including August. Fear enveloped me. I turned back towards the house.

            “Clara!” August had seen me. His voice rang angrily through the night.

            I ran towards the house as I heard him approaching me. I turned back as I reached the door. He had already made it to the edge of the yard. I ran into the house, slamming the door behind me.

            “Mother?! MOTHER?!” I screamed up the stairs and through the house. There was no reply. I could hear August at the door, attempting to break it down.

            I ran up the stairs into my mother’s room. I closed the door silently as I heard the front door crash open. Backing up slowly, I listened for him. As I heard him climbing the stairs, I quickly crawled under the bed. The bedroom door opened slowly.

            August stepped into the room. “Clara?” His voice was soft, but sharp. I held my breath.

            He shut the door and started to walk around the room, stopping by the bed. My heart beat fast as he slowly bent down, “Hello, Clara.”

            I screamed as August grabbed me by my hair and pulled me out from under the bed. He stood me up onto my feet, grabbing my wrists. I cried out in pain as he twisted, forcing me to the ground. Still holding tightly to my wrists, he opened the bedroom door, pulling me along.

            Tears ran down my cheeks and I screamed as he dragged me down the stairs and into the front room. He pulled me up again and pushed me into the banister. I hit the edge hard and fell to the ground. Warm blood trickled down my forehead, blinding my right eye. I could taste the blood as it drew into my mouth.

            August came up to me, grabbing me by the wrist again and yanking me up, breaking my wrist. My arm wrenched and I could feel it leave its socket.

            “Why aren’t you at home, Clara? Did you come to join Carrie Nation and the Temperance Movement?” He spit into my face as he spoke, “Are you not faithful to your husband anymore?!” August pulled back on my head, forcing me to look up at him, “You’re just a worthless woman carrying your worthless child.”

            “He is…your child…too,” I choked out.

            I winced as August drew back his hand and it came down hard onto my face. His rings dragged across my cheek, forming a large gash that sent blood flowing down my neck and soaking my collar, “No he’s not! He’s worthless, you’re worthless, and Carrie Nation is worthless. Women are worthless hags!”

            August wrapped his hands around my neck and shook me violently. Then, he thrust his knee into my stomach. I screamed in pain and agony for both myself and my baby. He threw me on the ground. I lay there, too weak to move. My breathing became harsh and my vision darkened.

            “No…” I weakly cried as the last scene I saw took place.                         

            August lit a match and threw it onto the couch where he had covered it in alcohol. Flames engulfed it quickly. August stepped out of the house, leaving me and my child to burn.

Flight

If I could grow wings, I would fly away. I would run and I would hide, but there isn't any real escape from this pain. This hole that threatens to destroy me. It was then, it is now, and it will forever be. My peace of mind as disapeared, gone with my memories that I long to have. I'm alone in my life. I have no one to turn to. I have no one to listen to me. I have no one to love or to love me. It's as if I am broken, like each bone I have has shattered, leaving me motionless and scarred. You could tell me I'll heal, but I'm not a fool to life. Pain is permanent, life is permanent, this hole is permanent...I am permanent.

I'm Permanent (based on the song by David Cook)

“Mom?” I hear the front door slam as Daniel yells for me.

            “I’m up here, Daniel,” I yell back as I set down my book.

            Footsteps charge up the stairs and Daniel rushes into my room, dropping his backpack onto the floor. He sits down next to me on the bed, speaking a mile a minute.

            “So, today at school, we had our test, right? Well, I’m taking the test when Nikki---she sits behind me---starts throwing her pencil at me.” Daniel’s face starts to turn red.

            “Well, you should have ignored her,” I tell him as I pick up my book again and start reading.

            “The thing is I did. Well, I tried to, but she just kept on doing it and I couldn’t concentrate on my test. So, I turned around to tell her to stop and get this, Mr. Davis saw me! Not once did he see Nikki, but he just had to see me…so, I got my test taken away. He said I was cheating, Mom!”

            I start to laugh as he finishes his story. His mouth drops open, “You’re laughing? Mom, you know I wouldn’t cheat, right?

            Once again I have to laugh at my son. He’s breathing hard as I reply, “Of course not, Daniel. You’re too much like your father.”

            Daniel’s face lightens from the mention of his father, “Really?”

            I stroke Daniel’s cheek, “Yes.” Daniel smiles up at me.

            I smile back, then sit my book down and stand up, “Now, take your backpack off of my floor and go do your homework, so that I can finish my book.”

            “Okay.” Daniel runs from the room and shuffles back down the stairs.

            Once again, I pick up my book and start to read. I hear Daniel down in the kitchen, pulling out a stool and rummaging through the cupboard. A loud crash sounds, “Daniel, what was that?”

            Daniel pauses for a second, “Nothing…”

            I sigh and again lie down my book. I go down into the kitchen and nervously look in, “Daniel?” I step into the room and look around. Then, I spot him. A smile breaks across my face and I start to laugh, “Oh, Daniel.”

            Daniel stands in the corner of the kitchen, covered in white. The bag of flour that once sat on the top shelf of the pantry now lies half empty on the tile. Daniel looks up at me innocently through his floured eyelashes. He looks back down and flour drops from his hair. He sniffs and wipes away a tear.

            I walk over to him and kneel down, “Daniel, honey, why are you crying?”

            He shrugs, spilling flour from his shoulders. I smile and laugh. Daniel looks up at me, confused, “You’re not mad, Mom?”

            “Of course I’m not.”

            Daniel smiles and lets out a small chuckle, then he shakes his hair, throwing flour around the room including onto me. I laugh and pick up a hand full of flour from off of the floor, throwing it back at Daniel. He screams in his high pitched seven year old voice. He grabs onto me, covering me in flour from waste down. We sit down and laugh.

            I wipe flour from Daniel’s face and speak, “So, I was wondering if you would like to go to the beach this weekend, just you and me.”

            Daniel’s face breaks out into a bright smile. He nods excitedly, shaking the extract flour from his hair onto the kitchen floor. I smile back and pick him up, “But, first, we’ve got to clean up this kitchen.”

As soon as I pull into a parking space Daniel is out of his seat belt and out the car, running down towards the beach. I step out and start unloading the trunk, pulling out blankets, sunscreen, and a manner of snacks.

            Once I’ve laid out the blanket, I watch Daniel collect seashells. Every so often he points to one with a smile then picks it up to show me. After about ten minutes I finally pick up my book and start to read, the sun beating down hotly.

            I don’t know how long I was sleeping, but I suddenly wake up and the sun his gone. Dark clouds blanket the sky and the wind howls around me. I put away my book and sit up. After I pack everything up, I turn to Daniel, “Daniel? It’s time to…”

            I frantically look up and down the beach and out into the ocean. Daniel is gone, “Daniel?”

            I scream for my son over and over, running along the shore. After twenty minutes of screaming, my voice becomes hoarse and my legs collapse. I just sit there, shaking. Where is my son?

            “Look! There’s a boy out in the water!” I hear someone yell from behind me and I quickly look out. Daniel floats motionless about twenty yards from the shore.

            “Daniel!” I rush into the water and start to swim out to my son. I pull him along as I struggle to reach the shore. His body is heavy.

            “I called the ambulance,” someone beside me says as I look down at my son.

            I push down hard on his chest, counting silently, then breathing for him. Tears stream down my eyes, blinding my vision. I start to slow, getting weaker and weaker. An ambulance arrives and my son is taken from me, “Daniel!” I scream out for him. A man helps me towards the ambulance.

            The man helps me into the ambulance and a woman starts speaking to him. I only catch a few words as water starts to drain from my ears.

            “Attack…legs…shark.” I look down at Daniel.

            My tears start to dry and  my vision becomes clear. Daniel’s body is pale and lifeless. His eyes are closed. I look down and scream, my vision darkening.

            Blood covers the bottom half of Daniel’s body. But, something seems wrong. I only see half of his legs. I don’t see his feet. They’re gone. The doctor’s words come back to me.

            Attack, shark.

            “No!” The woman doctor turns to me as I suddenly start heaving. She hands me a bag. My body shakes and I don’t have time to breath in between each heave. Finally, nothing remains in my body. I dry heave a few times, then I start to scream.

            We reach the hospital and the male doctor helps me out, my legs weak, threatening to collapse from under me.

            “Ms.? What is your son’s name?” He looks at me and I can’t seem to form his any words.

            “…Daniel…Daniel Parker…” I can’t breathe.

            He leads me into the waiting room and sits me down, “Ms. Parker? I need you to calm down. I need you to listen to me. How old is your son?”

            I breathe deeply, “Seven.”

            “When is his birth date?”

            “July 13, 2003.”

            “Is his father living?”

            “No…he died two years ago from cancer.”

            I look down at my bloodied hands, shaking violently. I breathe in and out deeply. No tears fall from my eyes, but my chest feels as if it’s going to cave in.

            “Ms. Parker, your son has lost a lot of blood. He is in a coma right now. He’s going to survive the attack, but we don’t know if he’ll come out of the coma.”

            My vision darkens and the room starts to spin. I put my head in between my knees.

            After I don’t respond, the doctor leaves me there. About ten minutes later a woman doctor comes up to me.

            “Hello, Ms. Parker. I’m Doctor Harris.” I just look straight ahead. “Would you like me to get someone to drive you home?”

            “No…” I quickly say, “I’d like to stay with my son.”

            “That’s fine. Can I help you clean up?”

            I look down at my tattered dress covered in blood. My arms are scratched and bloodied, too, “Yes…please.”

            Doctor Harris brings me in some clothes after I wash up, “I have these for when I work long nights. They should fit.”

            I go back into the waiting room and sit down. I close my eyes and silent tears drop down my cheeks. Twelve hours later I’m still sitting there. Doctor Harris comes up to me.

            “Your son has survived the attack, but he’s still in his coma. Would you like to see him?”

            I nod slowly and she leads me down the hall into a room. Daniel lies peacefully sleeping. Bruises cover his body and bandages scatter his arms and face. I cover my mouth as I see where his legs should be and aren’t.

            “I’ll leave you two alone,” Doctor Harris says and walks out.

            I walk over and sit next to Daniel, taking his cold hand. It feels heavy in mine.

            “What were you thinking Daniel?” I whisper.

            What was I thinking? I should have watched him. I should have made sure he was safe. But, I didn’t and now this happened.

            Tears spill down my face and drop onto Daniel’s arm.

            “Don’t cry mom,” Daniel wipes the tear from my cheek. I look down and smile at him.

            I had just gotten a call from the hospital. Daniel’s father, my husband, had just died from his cancer. The doctor told me he died peacefully, but I couldn’t help the crying.

            “Promise you won’t cry, Mom?” Daniel says to me with begging eyes.

            I look down at my son who had just lost his father. His eyes have no trace of tears.

            “I promise, Daniel.”

            It’s a broken promise now.

            “I’m so sorry Daniel.”

            I turn as Doctor Harris walks back into the room, “I’m sorry, Ms. Parker, but we need to do some more tests and we need you to leave.”

            I look back at Daniel and wipe the tears from off of his arm then I silently leave the room. I need to think.

            I step outside of the hospital and look around. I see a church from across the street and I’m suddenly moving towards it without thinking.

            I’d never been religious. I didn’t even know anything about God, but something drove me into the building and sat me down on the front row, staring up at the statue. Words spill out of me.

            “I…I don’t know you. I don’t even know why I’m here. But, I need your help. My son, Daniel, isn’t in very good shape right now. He had an accident…” The words just keep on coming, as if I’m saying them to a friend, “If you’re real…God…would you help me? I can’t lose my son. He’s everything to me. He’s so young. His father died two years ago and if there’s a hell my son has been living in it. But, he’s been strong. Just…please…is there some way for me to take his place? He needs to live…”

            I sit quietly, as if waiting for an answer. It seemed like hours that I sat there. As I stand up, my phone rings, “Hello?”

            “Ms. Parker?”

            “Yes?”

            “It’s Doctor Harris. We need you here right away.”

            I run to the hospital and into Daniels room. Doctors Harris stands next to another doctor by Daniel’s bed. He holds a clipboard and is writing something down. Daniel still lies unconscious.

            “Ah, Ms. Parker. Can we talk out in the hall?” The doctor says.

            We go out into the hall and he shuts the door to Daniel’s room, “Daniel’s brain activity isn’t doing very well. We don’t think he’ll be coming out of this and even if he did he will have severe brain damage.”

            The room starts to spin and I feel arms grab me as I plummet to the ground.

I wake up by Daniel a couple hours later. He still lies quiet and lifeless. Once again, I take his hand in mine. A spark seems to pass through our hands and I looked down in confusion.

            I look back up at Daniel. His eyes still lay shut, blackened. I long to see a smile cross over his face. I long to see his big, blue eyes look up at me. I long to hear his voice. Looking back down, memories flood my head.

           

“Isn’t he beautiful, Aaron?” I look up at my husband then back down at the big, blue eyes of my newborn son.

            “Yes he is,” Aaron gently kisses the top of my head, then our son’s.

            “What are we going to name him?” I ask suddenly.

            Aaron pauses for a minute, “Daniel.”

            I smile, “Danie…It’s perfect.”

“Mommy! Daddy! Look at me!” Daniel is riding around on the driveway on his new bike.

            Aaron and I clap. Daniel suddenly crashes onto the grass and we’re over there in a second. Daniel sits there laughing and soon we’re all sitting on the grass laughing together.

            “Again, again!” Daniel screams.

            I watch as Aaron picks Daniel up and sits him back on the bike, giving him a push. Daniel looks back at me with a smile. Aaron watches Daniel, smiling.

“Hello?”

            “Sara Parker?”

            “Yes?”

            “This is Doctor Coles. I wish I didn’t have to call you, but we have some bad news. Your husband died this morning. It was sudden. The cancer was just too much. He died peacefully. I’m very sorry for your loss.”

            I drop the phone and collapse onto the kitchen floor. My body shakes violently and sobs erupt from my throat, “Aaron!”

            “Daniel, honey? I need to tell you something,” I look down at Daniel as he sits on the floor playing with his toy cars. He looks up at me.

            “Mommy? Can we go see Daddy today?”

            My eyes fill with tears, “Daniel…Daddy isn’t coming home. Daddy is gone.”

            “Gone where?”

            I kneel down next to Daniel and pull him into my arms, “Daniel…Daddy died.”

            Daniel looks up me, his big, blue eyes shimmering with tears, but not a single one fell over his cheek. It seemed like millions fell from mine.

            “Are you leaving, Mommy?”

            “No, sweetheart, I will always be here. I’m permanent.” Daniel nods.

My eyes become dry and I take a single, shaky breath, “I’m permanent.”

            “Mom?”

            “Yes, Daniel?”

            “Why are you crying?”

            I suddenly feel a warm hand pass over my cheek, wiping away my tears. I look up and see big, blue eyes looking back at me, “Daniel…”

            Daniels looks at me with confusion, but a smile appears on his face when a smile spreads across my lips. I drop Daniel’s hand and lift him into my arms, sobbing happy tears now.     The doctors rush into the room, both faces full of surprise.

            The doctors take Daniel away for some testing. His tests all come back positive. No damage came from the accident. I sit in the waiting room. It’s silent.

            I look out the door of the hospital and see the church across the street, “Thank you.”

            Daniel comes out on a wheel chair, pushed by a doctor. I look sadly at the place where his legs should be. He notices.

            “Mom, I don’t care about my legs,” Daniel says to me, smiling, “I’m just happy I’m alive.”

            I smile at Daniel, “Me too.”

            “Where are we going, Mom?”

            I start to push Daniel out of the hospital, “We’re going home."

Too Hideous to be True

"How many times will I love before I'm broken-hearted?
How many times will this happen to me before I go insane?
How many times will I call something hideous before I call it true?"

Tall and threatening, the dark figure stalked toward me. It hunched over like an animal yet still stood on two feet. Claws protruded through gangly fingers clenched into fists and a low growl escaped its chest.
     I started to run. After about ten feet it hit me...literally. I was thrown to the ground by the blow. My hands and knees caught me, skidding across the asphalt.
     I was pinned. Hot blood ran down my face. My hand reached up to my head and felt a deep gash and an area with missing flesh. My head throbbed.
     The figure rolled me over, forcing me to look into its hideous face. Sharp fangs were barred menacingly at me. Putred breath ran out over my face. I coughed, struggling to break free, but its blood shot eyes held me in place.
     As I sat staring into the monster's eyes, I realized there was something familiar. My fear ran dry, "Jesse?"
     The figure climbed off me. I stood up, "Jesse?...is that you?"
     The animal's head seemed to nod, signalling that this truly my friend. My hand reached forward, but Jesse flinched away, whimpering. Before I could say anything Jesse had ran into the dark, leaving behind a crinkled piece of paper. I picked it up and read its contents...

A Change in Me: Retelling of the Ugly Duckling

May 15, 2000 

“My name? Oh…umm…” my mind goes blank as I stare into the camera lens and I stray from thought and the intensity of my breathing prevents me from concentrating. It comes out raspy and forced. My hands are clammy and I repeatedly wipe them on my jeans. I feel my face shine as small beads of sweat threaten to trickle down my face. A piercing ring sounds in my ear, blocking out all noise. The camera man starts to tap his foot impatiently, bringing me back, “Uh, Teresa…umm…Teri Wright.”

            I breathe a small, shaky sigh of relief as I finally manage to force my name into my thoughts. The camera man motions for me to continue and my breathing stops short. I try to relax and think what I need to say.

            “I, uh, I’m a senior at Mount…Mountain Wood High…High School. I am the…vale…valedictorian. Umm…” I stutter through each word.

            The principal sits next to the cameraman. He motions for him to turn off the camera. Then, he walks up to me, putting his hand onto my shoulder, “That should be enough, thank you Teri. Hurry back to class.”

            “Thank you,” I rush from the office, glad that everything is over. Well, at least one thing. Now, I am sent back into my detention center I like to call high school.

            I quickly and quietly slip into my English class, hoping to arrive unnoticed. Once again, my wish doesn’t come true.

            “Aw, Teresa, you’re back. We are just discussing Edgar Allen Poe’s ‘The Raven’,” Mrs. Grey motions for me to take my seat. I can feel each and every pair of eyes on me.

            I sit behind Dominic Peirce and Jacob Allen. I’d say they are the most popular guys in school, but to most, “popular” is an underappreciated title for Dominic and Jacob. They are more like the gods of high school, idols to every student at Mountain Wood High, every student except for one…me.

            Dominic and Jacob are the two figures that go out of their way every day to make my high school experience a nightmare and everyone knows that they do. They’ve done it all. They’ve mocked me, hurt me, and embarrassed me in every way imaginable. Last month Jacob tripped me, causing my lunch to spill into my hair and on my clothes. I had to go through the rest of the day with a stained shirt and food-filled hair. Last week the “gods” posted pictures of me onto every student’s locker. It may not sound bad, but no one has lived my life.

            Jacob tosses a paper onto Dominic’s desk. As Mrs. Grey turns toward the board he opens the note. He then angles the paper perfectly into my direction. The paper distinctly portrays Jacob’s loss of artistic talent, but I can still recognize the girl on the paper.

            The picture shows a distorted image of my face. Covered in red dots with my crooked teeth and oversized glasses clearly showing. My hair is matted against my head with traces of food showing. Above my cartooned head, my high school title is scribbled in Jacob’s poor penmanship, “The Ugly Duckling.”

            I hear this title every day and every day it leaves a scar. I know teachers and parents tell us to ignore this kind of thing, to be ourselves. But, what leaves those scars is the truth of the title. I am the ugly duckling. I am ugly.

            The bell rings and everyone rushes from the room to lunch. I am left starring at the crumpled piece of paper that is my life. I pick it off of the floor where Dominic left it. My hands slowly and unwillingly open it. Silent tears start to drop from my eyes. A single tear drops onto the girl in the picture before I crumple it up and throw it into my bag.

            I walk slowly down the hall, tears still running down my cheeks. I stop as I pass in front of a hall mirror. Minutes pass by as I stare into the face of the Ugly Duckling.

            My eyes are red and swollen from my tears. My hair is ratted and greasy from my nervous sweat in the office. Red and white patches of acne scatter my face. My glasses hang from my face, offset and scratched. I try a smile of crooked and yellowed teeth.

            My smile fades and the last of my tears dry up. I hang my head in hopes of hiding some of my hideous face. I walk home, down-spirited and broken.

***

May 15, 2005, Five years later

Dominic Pierce enters into his high school gym where is five year reunion is being held. He familiar and unfamiliar faces of friends and classmates. He does not want to be there.

            Dominic walks around in hopes of finding someone he may be comfortable around. He spots his former best friend, Jacob Allen. Jacob spots Dominic and they greet each other. Even now they crash their fists together in their trademark handshake.

            A friendly conversation is all that happens between them. Both feel uncomfortable and soon Jacob leaves Dominic with his thoughts of high school.

            Strangely, Dominic isn’t excited to see his friends. Once he thought back on all his years of high school, he regretted them. The lack of work he did in school. The way he treated his classmates, one in particular, Teresa Wright. Teri Wright. That is why Dominic came.

Teri walks by Jacob and I. My half eaten sandwich ends up in her hair and as usual Teri pretends not to notice. But, as usual, Jacob and I see the tear and laugh mockingly at “the ugly duckling.” That’s all she is.

            After lunch I tell Jacob I’ll meet him in the hall after school. I walk to my locker, not in a hurry to get to class. As I round the corner I see Teri standing down the hall, looking into the hall mirror.

            Teri touches her face and tries to smile at herself. She raises her hand to the mirror. Tears are spilling from her eyes as she drops her head, pulling her hair over her face.

            She passes me, pretending not to notice me there. I stare down the hall in her direction. Teresa Wright…the ugly duckling….

Dominic leaves the reunion early. As he steps out into the parking lot he sees a woman sitting by the curb. Curious, he approaches her.

            Only a small confrontation goes between the two. He asks for her name and she addresses him by his own, and refusing to give her own.

            The woman’s face is smooth and olive toned. Her hair flows gently down to her shoulders. He eye shine brightly up at Dominic. All he can think is, “Who is this girl?”

            The woman takes Dominic’s hand and inserts a crumpled and worn piece of paper. She quickly leaves him, standing transfixed. Dominic unfolds the paper. A hideous face stares up at him, but it’s the title that catches his eye. The Ugly Duckling…Teresa Wright…

Reflection

PROLOGUE

I smile as my father twirls my mother around our parlor. She begs him to stop, but her light laughter still fills the air. My father sings out an upbeat song while my younger brother, Lesley, and I clap merrily, encouraging our parents to keep on going. Eventually, my father collapses with my mother onto the small settee in the corner of the room. They both breathe heavily.

            “Oh, William! You know I already cannot breathe with this blasted corset. Jacqueline, hope that you are never married to a decent man, so that maybe you might not have to wear such a fashion,” my mother stretches out her arm, motioning me into her embrace.

            I walk over and take a seat in between my parents. They reach their arms around me, choking me with the strength of their hug. My father lifts up Lesley off of the ground and sits him into his lap. Lesley lays his hand onto my father’s chest, still playing with a small marble my father had given him for his birthday.

            “Mother, do you think that we’ll always be together as a family?” I stare up into my mother’s large brown eyes.

            She kisses my forehead, “Of course, my angel.”

            “But, what if something were to happen to you and father? What if I might not ever see you again once I am married? What if something were to happen to me?”

            “My darling, little girl,” Father wraps his arm around my shoulder and gives me a loving squeeze, “No matter what may happen to any of us, we will always be together. Even if as you get married your husband whisks you away to a faraway country, we will always be with you…in here,” he points to my chest. I can feel my heart beat beneath his finger.

            I smile at my father and mother. They smile back at me. Lesley makes a choking sound as his marble fell to the floor. We all laugh and though his marble still lay, abandoned, on the floor, Lesley laughs with us.

            Father picks up the marble and hands it to Lesley. Lesley claps and takes it from my father. My father takes my mother into his arms and lets Lesley and I climb into the middle of them. We sit there, as a family, in a loving embrace.

            “We will be together forever, won’t we?” I smile up at my parents.

            “Of course we will, love,” Mother kisses me on my head, followed by my father. Little do I know, is that I won’t believe it forever…

TEN YEARS LATER

“It is time to get up, Jacqueline. You are going to make me late. I have to meet with Lady Helena for tea and I for one have never been late…well, I have not been late until you…well, you know,” I groan as Karina starts throwing my corset and slip onto my bed, covering my vision in white.

            “I do not want to get up today. Karina, what is the point of ever arising from bed? It is such a peaceful place to be lounging in your comforter. But, alas, you must take this one peaceful place of mine away, just as everything else in my life that is peaceful has been taken from me,” I throw my underwear onto the floor and pull my sheets over my head.

            I can hear Karina pause as she is filling my wash bin. I hear her set down the pitcher and her soft footsteps approach my bed. Her weight on my mattress forces my body into a slope. She rests her delicate hand onto my leg. She rubs my leg, trying to comfort me.

            “Oh, Jacqueline, will you not ever be happy? It has been years, love, and still you allow yourself to become more closed off from the world. Won’t you get up, Jacqueline?”

            “I cannot be happy, Karina. All that ever made me happy is gone, taken from me. My only escape from this hell, are these covers that allow me to feel a glimpse of peace.”

            Karina removes her hand from her comforting rubbing. She stands and resumes to filling my wash bin. Suddenly, she slams the pitcher onto the table. I pull the covers back down and look at her, “Karina…”

            “Jacqueline! So what if your parents died two years ago! So what if your brother ended his own life! So what…if you lost the man you loved… You need to get on with your life,” Karina sighs and sits down, drawing her hand to her forehead, “I see you, Jacqueline, every day. I’ve known you most of my life and I remember you as a child. I remember when you had light in your eyes. I see you now…and there is no light left, love. I miss you, Jacqueline. I just want you to be happy.”

            I look at Karina. I stand and lightly walk over to her and rest my hand onto her head. She looks at me and pulls me into her embrace. We sit there for a time until both our tears dry. Karina is the first to stand. She takes my hand and leads me to the wash bin.

            “Now, you, my dear, are going to come with me to Lady Helena’s. A dose of lady sociality might do you some good,” she hands me a cloth and walks out.

            I stare at myself in the small mirror hanging above my wash bin. My hair is matted and colorless. Dark circles rim my eyes. No color fills my face and worst of all, there really isn’t any color in my eyes. I weave my hands through my hair and start to wipe grime from my skin. By the time Karina comes back in, I am fully dressed and washed. She smiles and hands me a pair of lacey gloves. I give her a meek smile and slip them on. She slowly guides me through the door.

***

“Now, Karina, I have a certain matter to discuss with you. I run an all-girl boarding school and we have an opening as a teacher of art. I’d like you to apply for the job,” Lady Helena sips her tea and sits it back down, looking questioningly at Karina.

            Karina looks at Lady Helena with delight, and then she turns to me and her expression changes dramatically, “Oh, Lady Helena, I’m not a very good artist,” Karina slightly stutters.

            “Oh, don’t be too modest, girl. I’ve seen your work. It is exquisite.”

            “Thank you, but I must decline your offer. I have too many…responsibilities,” I see Karina quickly look at me and turn back to Lady Helena.

            “Well, Karina, I hope that you may one day change your mind. Just know that the job is always open to you.”

            “Thank you, Lady Helena.”

            I look down at my lacey gloves, already wrinkled and stained. My hands fidget and my breathing becomes ragged. I close my eyes quickly as silent tears start to flow down my face. I take one thought and I know I cannot go back. I know that I have to react now or I will never get it out.

            “She will take the job,” my eyes are still closed as the words escape my mouth.

            “What was that, love?” Lady Helena sets down her teacup once again and looks at me.

            “Karina is my friend. She is an amazing artist and I know I’m her “responsibility”. But, I am not going to be anymore. She will take the job.”

            Karina stands, “Jacqueline, I cannot take the job. I am not going to leave you behind.”

            I stand up also and rest my hand on Karina’s face, “Take the job, Karina. I will be fine.”

            Karina just sits there and stares with frightened eyes. A single tear slowly descends from her pitying eye. She pulls me into her arms and tightly holds me, “Thank you.”

            She pulls away and smiles at me. Then, she turns to Lady Helena, “When do you need me?”

            “By tomorrow morning if that is alright.”

            I see Karina bite her lip, “Could you maybe extend the date a little longer.”

            “I am sorry dear; the carriage leaves tomorrow for Lochness.”

            “Lochness, Scotland?!” Karina turns to me, terrified.

            “Karina, I promise I will be alright. Please, go. You deserve it more than anyone,” I give her a reassuring smile even though my stomach aches with pain.

            Karina nods her head, “I will be ready.”

            Lady Helena claps her hands, “Brilliant!”

***

I now sit on my bed, overlooking the carriage that holds my best friend. I know I will never see her again. She was the only person that kept me grounded, but I know I could not keep her from following her dream. I know it is the right thing, but how do I feel so horrible?

Finally, after deep, shaky breathes I fall apart. Tears flow down my cheeks and choked sounds escape my mouth. I curl up onto my bed and scream my all too familiar sounds of anguish. I cry out for Karina, for Lesley, for my father, for my mother. I scream their names over and over again until my voice leaves me and I am left with harsh breaths of torment.

As my tears start to dry, I slowly gather myself to think one simple thought, “I cannot go on. I will never be able to go one.”

I slowly rise and, still wearing my corset and slip, I leave the house and enter into the meadow behind the house. A thick fog skirts the landscape and the sky is full of darkness. The trees have a thick layer of moss and their branches lie low, as if feeling the same pain I experience every day.

I rest my hand on a nearby weeping willow and close my eyes, breathing in the sweet scent of its life. I am suddenly seized upon by something I cannot explain. My eyes slowly open and I gasp. Into the fog Lesley slowly approaches me. In his hand he holds that all too familiar marble. He is laughing, calling my name, “Jacqueline, Jacqueline come and play.”

I start to answer, but am interrupting by my father’s silhouette approaching Lesley, “Jacqueline has to finish her studies. Come into the parlor and play with me and mother.”

Tears again start to trickle down my face as I see the beautiful image of my mother sitting on the settee in the parlor, reading the bible quietly to herself. She sees my father and brother and closes her book, setting it down onto the table. She swings my brother into her arms and kisses his forehead. Father sits next to mother, reaching his arm around her shoulder.

“Does my lovely boy need someone to play with?” Mother tickles Lesley and he starts to screech with delight.

I enter into the scene and by this time I cannot control the tremors that erupt through my body. My hair sticks to my cheeks from my salty tears and more gasps of pain sound from me.

“I have finished my studies.”

“That’s my girl,” Father reaches for me and just as I am about to leap into his arms, the scene disappears and is replaced by a new one. I recognize instantly the man within it, along with myself.

“Is she not the most beautiful thing you have ever seen, Jack?” a long black cloak flows around my body with the hood pulled up. In my arms I hold a small baby.

“She certainly is, but she can never compare to you,” my husband, Jack, smiles and kisses me, proceeding to lightly touch our daughter on the forehead with his soft lips.

“Nothing can ruin this moment, Jack.”

“As long as I love you, Jacqueline.”

The scene is once again replaced with another and I am thrown into that one day that destroyed my life forever. A cry of anguish escapes my throat and tears run even faster and harder down my face. I sit alone in my parent’s parlor with a letter in my hand.

Karina comes in and sits next to me, “What is wrong, Jacqueline?”

I hand her the letter, “Jack was found murdered this morning. He had my daughter, Elizabeth, with him. She could not be found.”

Karina holds me as I start the screams that will continue all my life. A messenger walks in and speaks, “Mrs. Ashton, I have certain news that I must inform you of. Your brother, Lesley, was found hanging in an alley in town. It seems that he has taken his own life.”

I do not even look up. All I do is scream even harder. I have no one now. My husband was murdered, my daughter stolen. My brother took his own life. My parents had died in a horrible fire just two months earlier. I was alone.

“No!” The scene evaporates and I am left alone all over again. I fall to the ground and scream tormented cries of terror and distress. I scream louder than I have ever screamed before. I scream my loved ones names over and over and over again. Never stopping. I called out for Karina. I call out my own name.

My tears still stream down my face and I am still screaming as I rise from the ground. I walk drunkenly down the meadow to a high cliff overlooking the ocean. The mist covers the water. I take a deep breath….and fall.

I disappear into the white fog and ice cuts my skin as I dive in deep into the ocean’s depths. One thought passes through my head as I sharply hit into a rock and slowly start to fade, “My life is hell, and now I have escaped.” I smile and I am gone.