PROLOGUE
I smile as my father twirls my mother around our parlor. She begs him to stop, but her light laughter still fills the air. My father sings out an upbeat song while my younger brother, Lesley, and I clap merrily, encouraging our parents to keep on going. Eventually, my father collapses with my mother onto the small settee in the corner of the room. They both breathe heavily.
“Oh, William! You know I already cannot breathe with this blasted corset. Jacqueline, hope that you are never married to a decent man, so that maybe you might not have to wear such a fashion,” my mother stretches out her arm, motioning me into her embrace.
I walk over and take a seat in between my parents. They reach their arms around me, choking me with the strength of their hug. My father lifts up Lesley off of the ground and sits him into his lap. Lesley lays his hand onto my father’s chest, still playing with a small marble my father had given him for his birthday.
“Mother, do you think that we’ll always be together as a family?” I stare up into my mother’s large brown eyes.
She kisses my forehead, “Of course, my angel.”
“But, what if something were to happen to you and father? What if I might not ever see you again once I am married? What if something were to happen to me?”
“My darling, little girl,” Father wraps his arm around my shoulder and gives me a loving squeeze, “No matter what may happen to any of us, we will always be together. Even if as you get married your husband whisks you away to a faraway country, we will always be with you…in here,” he points to my chest. I can feel my heart beat beneath his finger.
I smile at my father and mother. They smile back at me. Lesley makes a choking sound as his marble fell to the floor. We all laugh and though his marble still lay, abandoned, on the floor, Lesley laughs with us.
Father picks up the marble and hands it to Lesley. Lesley claps and takes it from my father. My father takes my mother into his arms and lets Lesley and I climb into the middle of them. We sit there, as a family, in a loving embrace.
“We will be together forever, won’t we?” I smile up at my parents.
“Of course we will, love,” Mother kisses me on my head, followed by my father. Little do I know, is that I won’t believe it forever…
TEN YEARS LATER
“It is time to get up, Jacqueline. You are going to make me late. I have to meet with Lady Helena for tea and I for one have never been late…well, I have not been late until you…well, you know,” I groan as Karina starts throwing my corset and slip onto my bed, covering my vision in white.
“I do not want to get up today. Karina, what is the point of ever arising from bed? It is such a peaceful place to be lounging in your comforter. But, alas, you must take this one peaceful place of mine away, just as everything else in my life that is peaceful has been taken from me,” I throw my underwear onto the floor and pull my sheets over my head.
I can hear Karina pause as she is filling my wash bin. I hear her set down the pitcher and her soft footsteps approach my bed. Her weight on my mattress forces my body into a slope. She rests her delicate hand onto my leg. She rubs my leg, trying to comfort me.
“Oh, Jacqueline, will you not ever be happy? It has been years, love, and still you allow yourself to become more closed off from the world. Won’t you get up, Jacqueline?”
“I cannot be happy, Karina. All that ever made me happy is gone, taken from me. My only escape from this hell, are these covers that allow me to feel a glimpse of peace.”
Karina removes her hand from her comforting rubbing. She stands and resumes to filling my wash bin. Suddenly, she slams the pitcher onto the table. I pull the covers back down and look at her, “Karina…”
“Jacqueline! So what if your parents died two years ago! So what if your brother ended his own life! So what…if you lost the man you loved… You need to get on with your life,” Karina sighs and sits down, drawing her hand to her forehead, “I see you, Jacqueline, every day. I’ve known you most of my life and I remember you as a child. I remember when you had light in your eyes. I see you now…and there is no light left, love. I miss you, Jacqueline. I just want you to be happy.”
I look at Karina. I stand and lightly walk over to her and rest my hand onto her head. She looks at me and pulls me into her embrace. We sit there for a time until both our tears dry. Karina is the first to stand. She takes my hand and leads me to the wash bin.
“Now, you, my dear, are going to come with me to Lady Helena’s. A dose of lady sociality might do you some good,” she hands me a cloth and walks out.
I stare at myself in the small mirror hanging above my wash bin. My hair is matted and colorless. Dark circles rim my eyes. No color fills my face and worst of all, there really isn’t any color in my eyes. I weave my hands through my hair and start to wipe grime from my skin. By the time Karina comes back in, I am fully dressed and washed. She smiles and hands me a pair of lacey gloves. I give her a meek smile and slip them on. She slowly guides me through the door.
***
“Now, Karina, I have a certain matter to discuss with you. I run an all-girl boarding school and we have an opening as a teacher of art. I’d like you to apply for the job,” Lady Helena sips her tea and sits it back down, looking questioningly at Karina.
Karina looks at Lady Helena with delight, and then she turns to me and her expression changes dramatically, “Oh, Lady Helena, I’m not a very good artist,” Karina slightly stutters.
“Oh, don’t be too modest, girl. I’ve seen your work. It is exquisite.”
“Thank you, but I must decline your offer. I have too many…responsibilities,” I see Karina quickly look at me and turn back to Lady Helena.
“Well, Karina, I hope that you may one day change your mind. Just know that the job is always open to you.”
“Thank you, Lady Helena.”
I look down at my lacey gloves, already wrinkled and stained. My hands fidget and my breathing becomes ragged. I close my eyes quickly as silent tears start to flow down my face. I take one thought and I know I cannot go back. I know that I have to react now or I will never get it out.
“She will take the job,” my eyes are still closed as the words escape my mouth.
“What was that, love?” Lady Helena sets down her teacup once again and looks at me.
“Karina is my friend. She is an amazing artist and I know I’m her “responsibility”. But, I am not going to be anymore. She will take the job.”
Karina stands, “Jacqueline, I cannot take the job. I am not going to leave you behind.”
I stand up also and rest my hand on Karina’s face, “Take the job, Karina. I will be fine.”
Karina just sits there and stares with frightened eyes. A single tear slowly descends from her pitying eye. She pulls me into her arms and tightly holds me, “Thank you.”
She pulls away and smiles at me. Then, she turns to Lady Helena, “When do you need me?”
“By tomorrow morning if that is alright.”
I see Karina bite her lip, “Could you maybe extend the date a little longer.”
“I am sorry dear; the carriage leaves tomorrow for Lochness.”
“Lochness, Scotland?!” Karina turns to me, terrified.
“Karina, I promise I will be alright. Please, go. You deserve it more than anyone,” I give her a reassuring smile even though my stomach aches with pain.
Karina nods her head, “I will be ready.”
Lady Helena claps her hands, “Brilliant!”
***
I now sit on my bed, overlooking the carriage that holds my best friend. I know I will never see her again. She was the only person that kept me grounded, but I know I could not keep her from following her dream. I know it is the right thing, but how do I feel so horrible?
Finally, after deep, shaky breathes I fall apart. Tears flow down my cheeks and choked sounds escape my mouth. I curl up onto my bed and scream my all too familiar sounds of anguish. I cry out for Karina, for Lesley, for my father, for my mother. I scream their names over and over again until my voice leaves me and I am left with harsh breaths of torment.
As my tears start to dry, I slowly gather myself to think one simple thought, “I cannot go on. I will never be able to go one.”
I slowly rise and, still wearing my corset and slip, I leave the house and enter into the meadow behind the house. A thick fog skirts the landscape and the sky is full of darkness. The trees have a thick layer of moss and their branches lie low, as if feeling the same pain I experience every day.
I rest my hand on a nearby weeping willow and close my eyes, breathing in the sweet scent of its life. I am suddenly seized upon by something I cannot explain. My eyes slowly open and I gasp. Into the fog Lesley slowly approaches me. In his hand he holds that all too familiar marble. He is laughing, calling my name, “Jacqueline, Jacqueline come and play.”
I start to answer, but am interrupting by my father’s silhouette approaching Lesley, “Jacqueline has to finish her studies. Come into the parlor and play with me and mother.”
Tears again start to trickle down my face as I see the beautiful image of my mother sitting on the settee in the parlor, reading the bible quietly to herself. She sees my father and brother and closes her book, setting it down onto the table. She swings my brother into her arms and kisses his forehead. Father sits next to mother, reaching his arm around her shoulder.
“Does my lovely boy need someone to play with?” Mother tickles Lesley and he starts to screech with delight.
I enter into the scene and by this time I cannot control the tremors that erupt through my body. My hair sticks to my cheeks from my salty tears and more gasps of pain sound from me.
“I have finished my studies.”
“That’s my girl,” Father reaches for me and just as I am about to leap into his arms, the scene disappears and is replaced by a new one. I recognize instantly the man within it, along with myself.
“Is she not the most beautiful thing you have ever seen, Jack?” a long black cloak flows around my body with the hood pulled up. In my arms I hold a small baby.
“She certainly is, but she can never compare to you,” my husband, Jack, smiles and kisses me, proceeding to lightly touch our daughter on the forehead with his soft lips.
“Nothing can ruin this moment, Jack.”
“As long as I love you, Jacqueline.”
The scene is once again replaced with another and I am thrown into that one day that destroyed my life forever. A cry of anguish escapes my throat and tears run even faster and harder down my face. I sit alone in my parent’s parlor with a letter in my hand.
Karina comes in and sits next to me, “What is wrong, Jacqueline?”
I hand her the letter, “Jack was found murdered this morning. He had my daughter, Elizabeth, with him. She could not be found.”
Karina holds me as I start the screams that will continue all my life. A messenger walks in and speaks, “Mrs. Ashton, I have certain news that I must inform you of. Your brother, Lesley, was found hanging in an alley in town. It seems that he has taken his own life.”
I do not even look up. All I do is scream even harder. I have no one now. My husband was murdered, my daughter stolen. My brother took his own life. My parents had died in a horrible fire just two months earlier. I was alone.
“No!” The scene evaporates and I am left alone all over again. I fall to the ground and scream tormented cries of terror and distress. I scream louder than I have ever screamed before. I scream my loved ones names over and over and over again. Never stopping. I called out for Karina. I call out my own name.
My tears still stream down my face and I am still screaming as I rise from the ground. I walk drunkenly down the meadow to a high cliff overlooking the ocean. The mist covers the water. I take a deep breath….and fall.
I disappear into the white fog and ice cuts my skin as I dive in deep into the ocean’s depths. One thought passes through my head as I sharply hit into a rock and slowly start to fade, “My life is hell, and now I have escaped.” I smile and I am gone.
